by Patti Anewalt
While the commercial world pushes good cheer everywhere you turn, when you are facing the holiday season without your loved one you may feel overwhelmed with an immense sense of loss. For grieving people, special occasions and holidays are difficult hurdles, particularly the first couple years after a loss. It is natural to feel sad, and trying to put up a “good front” in front of others can be exhausting. Think, however, about who you can trust to be honest with about your true feelings. Those who care for you worry about you and want to help, but they often don’t know quite what to say or do. The Swedish proverb “Shared joy is double joy, shared sorrow is half sorrow” rings true.
The anticipation of a holiday used to be almost as enjoyable as the day itself. After a loss, perhaps dread is now replacing that sense of anticipation—“How will I get through this?” is a common thought. If this thought resonates with you, what seems to help many people is to actually plan for that special day. By doing so, you are in control, aware of your choices, and making decisions, rather than feeling overwhelmed by everything that seems to be happening to you. Yet, even if you do make a plan, be flexible.
For example, you may agree to attend the same party you have always gone to in the past, but, once there, you may decide to only stay a little while. That’s okay. You know that’s what is best for you. Be gentle with yourself. Grief is not easy, and coping with the holidays makes it all the more challenging to get through.
Try to stay open to the possibility that there can still be peace, and perhaps even some joy, amidst your grief. Avoid high expectations of yourself or others. Everyone copes with loss differently, which is why hospices in your area probably offer holiday support groups. Look and see what might be available in your community, and consider trying some of these suggestions.
Plan ahead and prioritize. Whether it is writing out greeting cards, holiday baking, decorating, or having a big family dinner, ask yourself the following questions before making any decisions or trying to go on as you always have: “Is this a task that someone else would be willing to do?” or “Would it still be a holiday without it?” Plan one small goal for each day and include those you care about in the planning.
Live in the moment. Anticipating a particular day can often be much worse than the actual day itself. Take one moment at a time and try not to look too far ahead. The season feels different because you are different—seek ways to help you get through each day. Take time to rest, refresh and renew.
Create rituals. Rituals affirm the connection between your life and others. They honor the memory and help you remember. Though your loved one is not present physically, that person remains in your heart and mind. Look for ways to remember them. Buy a gift in their memory, light a special candle at mealtime, or donate to a charitable organization that would be meaningful to your loved one. Actions such as these incorporate the memory of your loved one in new ways this holiday season.
Look forward. The past year was life-changing for you. As you look ahead, consider what you plan to leave behind and what you want to carry forward. Perhaps set yourself a goal going forward. Decide what direction you want to move in as you look ahead to the coming year.
■ Patti Anewalt, PhD, LPC, FT, is Director of the Pathways Center for Grief & Loss with Hospice & Community Care.
