Question
It’s almost time for the holidays and I’m dreading what to do. Our daughter died this year after a long and courageous battle with breast cancer. Her husband was a firefighter who died on September 11, 2001. She was a mother to three children who my husband and I are now raising. We are in our 70s, and although it is not easy, we are in good health and thankful that we can do this.
The holidays were always special, celebrated with family and friends. All of our children and grandchildren would come to our house for a few days and although it was exhausting I loved it. Now I’m beginning to dread December. I’m not sure I want to celebrate–I certainly don’t feel like it. But I worry about the rest of the family. I’m feeling guilty because I don’t want to spoil their holiday. Any suggestions?
Answer
Thank you for your comments. I am sure that we have many readers who share your ambivalence about the winter holidays. Wanting to do “the right thing” yet feeling drained and exhausted. Oscillating between wanting to be alone yet feeling guilty for not continuing long-standing family traditions. Even when someone was not the primary caregiver, a sometimes long and protracted illness can add layers to our grief. Frequently, families talk about the physical exhaustion they feel after the death, yet are surprised by the emotional exhaustion or spiritual questioning of their beliefs that may come afterward.
Anyone who has had a significant loss may be ambivalent as to what to do about holidays. Continuing past and familiar rituals may be comforting to some; others may feel that the pain of remembering and continuing these traditions may be too painful, especially in the first year following a death. As with many issues in grief, there are no right or wrong answers. Figuring out what will be the most comforting to you and your family is essential. Recognizing that your grandchildren are young, would not having a family holiday deprive them of being with their cousins? It might be helpful to have a family discussion with your children and discuss different options. For example, would it be beneficial for another family member to host the holiday? Instead of having you cook the marathon dinner, could you consider a pot luck dinner or a buffet?
Whatever you decide, I hope that the holidays are gentle for you and your family, that you are aware of the stress and demands placed upon you, and are able to monitor and engage in self care.
■ Sherry R. Schachter, PhD, FT, RN, is the director of bereavement services for Calvary Hospital/Hospice.
