by Kenneth J. Doka
Just like any part of grief, the holidays hit individuals differently. Some of us may still take pleasure from the holidays, even after our loss. For some, the holidays offer a welcome diversion—meaningful activities that fill time. The visits of friends and family may alleviate the ever-present loneliness of loss.
For others, holidays now may lose their sense of pleasure. The holidays become simply times on the roller coaster of grief. Like other days, some may be better, others worse, but overall they are no longer distinct.
Still for others of us, the holidays hit hard. The absence of that person seems more acute. There are so many reminders that the person is no longer there. There may be cards from more casual acquaintances that still bear the name of the person who died. As we shop we may see reminders—the last gift we gave or received or the gift we would still like to give. The chair at the holiday dinner that now seems so vacant and empty. In many parts of the country, the coldness and darkness of the season may mirror our grief. The television specials and constant cheers and best wishes may accentuate our own grief.
The holidays hit each of us differently. So our first step in handling them is to take stock—to ask “What will this holiday mean for me now?” That is a critical question. Once we know what the holidays mean for us, we can begin to make plans—whom do I need to be with during these holidays? What do I wish to do?
We also need to remember that others who share our lives may face the holidays with different concerns and needs. Our ways of dealing with our loss may not necessarily be theirs. Grief is deeply personal. There is neither one right way to feel nor one correct way to grieve.
When Eva’s husband died, she knew her young son and daughter still looked forward to visits with Eva’s sister-in-law and extended family. Eva knew she really did not have the energy for an extended visit and a long car ride in this first year without her husband. Talking it over with her sister-in-law she decided to fly there. She left Friday while her children stayed through the weekend. She had the privacy she needed while her children reveled in the connection with relatives, in the gifts, and in a security that even with the death of their dad, their ties with his family remained strong.
The most important gift we can share with others is the gift to freely communicate our needs even as we listen in nonjudgmental ways to the needs of those around us. Our
different ways of dealing with loss are just that—differences in how we cope—not measures of how much we love.
■ Kenneth J. Doka, PhD, MDiv, is Senior Bereavement Consultant to HFA and recipient of the 2019 Lifetime Achievement Award from the Association for Death Education and Counseling.
