by Paul A. Metzler
A grieving mother whose daughter had died suddenly in early September told me the following January that she already dreaded the return of spring. She did not want warmth to return or see little green shoots of plants again, especially not upon her daughter’s grave.
She would have been glad if the snow and ice stayed indefinitely. Winter perfectly mirrored her inner sense of darkness and despair.
Other bereaved persons have also found the bleakness of winter to be oddly satisfying. The dreary landscape often matches their inner emotional state of desolation and broken dreams.
Many poets have expressed this mood about winter’s bleakness. John Updike, in his poem, January, wrote in part:
The days are short,
The sun a spark,
Hung thin between
The dark and dark…
Each grief experience is unique and not every griever feels like they can barely see a spark of sun, but for many this dark sadness is common. I think that for many these feelings are a necessary part of grief, even if they live in an area where there is little winter weather. These deep reactions make it possible for all of the dimensions to the season of grief to be experienced and expressed.
In Attachment and Loss, John Bowlby wrote about the inevitable emotions that accompany loss. His writings have been influential in helping bereavement professionals understand and support bereaved persons through the four phases he found were common; numbing, yearning, disorganization, and reorganization.
A griever usually goes through intense shock and numbness initially. Deep longing for the lost loved one follows. The yearning can last a long time, as does the difficulty of re-ordering a life turned upside down by a death. But when reorganization starts to emerge, it includes finding new meaning and hopeful direction for life following a loss.
What can you do to help yourself if you are in deep winter grief? I think both periods of solitude and times of communication with others are important to experience. The combination makes it possible to enter into but also to pass through the challenging feelings and thoughts that accompany loss.
The solitude allows you to have your thoughts and explore your feelings privately, without the pressure of communicating. However, you also need opportunities to talk with others to express your feelings and ideas out loud. If the emotions and thoughts are kept within, grief is less likely to be resolved. Many have observed that grief shared is grief that is relieved.
If you find that the “winter-like” emotions have stayed beyond their season, consider talking with a grief counselor at a local hospice or with other helping professional to guide you in your journey.
■ The Rev. Paul A. Metzler, DMin, an Episcopal priest and psychotherapist, is semi-retired following over 40 years of service as a clergy member, therapist and hospice-based grief counselor.
