In the midst of grief our feelings often consume us. We are unaware of anything beyond our shock, sorrow, anger, loneliness, regret, and longing. We feel the impact of our loss every day. We may feel like we are simply surviving by a great force of effort. And that is the most we can do.

To heal from grief, we must face our loss and all the feelings that come with it. This process may take weeks or months. We may want to avoid or deny our feelings, but it is in acknowledging and allowing the truth of our experience that we heal.

It is the tragedies, ordeals, and trials of life that truly transform us. In the midst of pain, few recognize that there could be anything good coming of this difficult time. The good is subtle and not necessarily noticeable right away. Long after an ordeal we can get an overview of what we have been through, and see how we have been changed or even transformed.

I give my grief clients an exercise to do once they have fully expressed their grief: In a quiet moment, take time to ask yourself how you are different than before your loss occurred. How have you grown? Following are examples of some of the qualities we may develop after facing life’s darkest moments.

Self love: After facing tough circumstances, we may make more effort to love and support ourselves, like taking more quiet time, or paying more attention to our feelings and reactions.

Self protection: We may become wiser in our selection of friends or set better limits with people than we did before. We often develop a new sense of evaluating people as to who is a good listener, who is not, who is apt to be too much ofa “fixer” or helper, and who is insensitive or unable to face intense emotions.

Gratitude: Experiencing a death wakes us up to the fact that our lives are time-limited. We may suddenly be grateful for who we are and what we have when we remember the ones who are no longer with us.

Compassion: When we are in pain, we look inward and often feel very alone. Afterward, we see the pain in the world around us and we feel for others who also suffer. Our worldview and perhaps our wish to help others can expand because of the losses we have faced.

Courage: Often we only see courage in others. When we realize that we have in fact faced something difficult head-on, we see our own courage. After living through the deaths of my parents, I noticed I didn’t use the words “I can’t” anymore.

Resilience: In coping with grief, we experience many complex and conflicting emotions. After we that we have survived another day, we may recognize that we were more resilient than we ever dreamed we could be.

Patience: We live in a society that expects instant results. Grief isn’t like that. Moving through our grief feelings and living with the loss of a loved one takes time.

Acceptance: Initially, we may feel like we can’t or won’t accept that our loved one has died. We may rail against God or the doctors or life itself because we cannot bear our pain. Eventually, we discover that the unbearable is manageable. We begin to heal and to accept our loss. Accepting our loss transforms our whole experience of grief and life.

■ Judy Tatelbaum, MSW, is a psychotherapist, public speaker, and author.