"My husband died just over a year ago,” a widow said when we met in my office. “Everyone reminds me it has been a year. I seemed to be doing so well for a while. Now I’m depressed again.” She is not alone in her reaction.

For many people, the anniversary of the death is a down time. We remember each date vividly. “This is the day he went to the hospital.” “Today she slipped into a coma.” “The funeral was a year ago.”

A year takes on a magical quality. We believe that if we survive the first year everything will be much better. Then the year goes by and we don’t feel all that different. We become depressed and dispirited and when we do, it’s important to realize that “anniversary reactions” are normal.

Most people take longer than a year to work through grief. The issue after the first year is not if we’re feeling better, but if we’re feeling better more of the time. There will be ups and downs, but perhaps the down periods will be less intense and frequent. Recognize that the anniversary of the death is a difficult time. Often when we accept that fact, we do not feel as bad about feeling down.

Following are some tips that may be helpful as you deal with the anniversary of your loved one’s death:

Do what helps you. Take off from work to relax, or if it makes you feel better, keep busy and involved. A mass, unveiling, memorial service, dedication of flowers, a visit to the cemetery, or a notice in the paper may give focus to your feelings and provide a sense of comfort. A quiet dinner with family and friends may also help.

Decide who you wish to be with—if anyone. Not only do we need to decide what to do, we may need to decide whom we would like to be with for what events. It is acceptable, maybe even necessary, that we spend some time alone. Some time, though, should be spent with others as well. Be respectful of others’ needs as they, too, approach the anniversary.

Be patient. Don’t expect too much from yourself. Remember over time, each anniversary will become less difficult. This does not mean that we will never experience pain in the future. Holidays, anniversaries, including future anniversaries of the death, and even happy events such as weddings or births, may renew a sense of loss.

Things never go back to the way they were. A loss inevitably changes our life. In time we may grow to appreciate some of the ways in which we have changed. And we will be able to think of the person who died without the great pain we experience even after a year. The great ups and downs of the roller coaster of grief will flatten. There may be some small bumps, but the intensity of the experience will be less. When the work of grief seems so hard and slow, we need to recall that promise.

■ Kenneth J. Doka, PhD, MDiv, is Senior Bereavement Consultant to HFA and recipient of the 2019 Lifetime Achievement Award from the Association for Death Education and Counseling.